Okay, so… I haven’t written here in two years. Please forgive me while I try to figure out how to use wordpress again. Also, forgive my writing as I haven’t actually written ANYWHERE in two years, so I will be dusting off my practice. So, I suppose I should explain my absence. I will get to that. I need to type a few things first. And I don’t feel like editing to put it all in a coherent format. I’m just trying to get myself writing anything at all. And that’s all that matters at this point.

I will start here, A Dream I Had Last Night:

So, I need to preface this with two things.

First, I have been praying over the past two weeks that God will reveal more to me through dreams. I’m desperately trying to find some meaning in my life and this world. My mind and this world are both chaos right now, and I just need some clarity in there somewhere. I also asked God to help me remember these dreams, so that I can dissect, understand, and learn from them.

Second, you should know, that THROUGHOUT my life there has been recurrent symbolism of doors in my dreams. I can always make sense of the doors, but they have taken so many shapes inside my dreamscape, that they are constantly changing, but the theme is always there. For the longest time, it was me desperately trying to lock, or block, or barricade the doors to keep things out: rapists, bears, killers, Nazis. Sometimes there were windows too, but always doors. You name it, I would lock, deadbolt, chain lock, put furniture in front of the door, board the door up, nail it. anything. Then, when I went to treatment, the strength of the locking and blocking got weaker, the locks got fewer. I always associated this with memories or emotions I was trying to avoid. At one point, when I was first in recovery, I was the one locked in. I also had one, where I was trapped between those glass, sliding, automatic doors at supermarkets. I think at that point, I must have felt very exposed.

So anyway, keep these things in mind when hearing my dream.

Okay, here goes.

So, I dreamed that I was in a lovely house. I was with a friend cleaning when I noticed a door, that had I sorta always had known was there, but for some reason, at that moment, I decided I wanted to see what was behind the door. I had to solicit my friend’s help in opening the door. It was a wooden, slatted, curved pocket door, and it was stuck. Once we got it open, there were two sections before us: a small foyer, and a larger bedroom. We went into the bedroom and found all sorts of wonderful, beautiful vintage clothing and antique furniture. You could tell someone stylish and wealthy had lived in that room. It was awesome stuff, but of course, covered in decades worth of dust and dead bugs, so we couldn’t stay long. One piece of furniture stands out to me. It was a dark blue velvet chaise lounge, with an elaborate gold wooden frame. I fell in love with it. So, as we were about to leave, we went into the foyer to find a twin bed which had been in the bedroom, now having been teleported into the foyer, and was blocking the door. On the bed was the ghost of a little old lady, all dressed up. I could see her, but my friend could not. I immediately apologized for intruding on her and messing with her things, and asked to make a deal with her, that if we never came in and bothered her or the room again, that she never come out into the rest of the house and bother us. She agreed, but something told me not to believe her. As we were climbing over the bed to leave, my friend almost stepped where the ghost lady was and I screamed “not there! She’s sitting there!”

After leaving the room and closing up the door behind us. I came to discover that my front door, and what had previously been a very nice house was… GET THIS… one of those HALF doors, and only the bottom half was left. It was worn and tattered like an old piece of cardboard that had gotten wet and dried a zillion times over. The lock and knob wouldn’t even stay in the hole where it was supposed go, and the door wasn’t even on the hinges or in the door frame. It was just leaned up against the wall, near the doorway.

Wow, just wow.

I would venture to guess that this room is some untouched part of myself, spiritual or mental, or maybe potential. It has some lovely, exciting things in there, but also something I find very frightening. I have had mild intuitive abilities my entire life. So communicating with spirits, or premonitions about the future are not unheard of for me. At the same time that I appreciate and honor those abilities, the spiritual world still very much creeps me the f out, so I don’t go there. I would probably be very likely to respectfully communicate something like this to a spirit, and also be terrified. I so wanted to stay and play and keep all that cool stuff, but I’m horribly allergic to dust also, so the experience would be unpleasant, and I would have to clean it all. That did cross my mind in the dream. Like “eh too much trouble.” This is obviously something I’ve been ignoring for a very long time, despite my knowing it is there. And while my life would be richer if I kept the door open, I’m too afraid of the ghost inside to risk it. Even though, I get the feeling that since we met, it will not be the last I see of her, despite our agreement. So maybe it is just worth it, to leave the door open and make the the room usable again? How do you make friends with the ghost inside, though? Or do you make friends with her? In the spiritually sensitive world, it is most encouraged to help spirits cross over, so that they can be at peace. So if I wanted to do that, that would be more work. And also, my mediumship abilities are ametuer so I don’t know I trust myself with that task. But… a friend helped me open the door, so maybe I could find support in helping the ghost cross over. Obviously, my friend helping me means I will need support in this process.

So, then there’s the front door I discover after meeting the ghost and seeing the room. Does this mean all my defenses are gone now that I know about the room and the ghost? Does this make me vulnerable, or free? Should I be scared? I actually didn’t feel very frightened about it  in the dream. I was more like “ahh hell, I’m gonna have to replace the whole thing now,” So, does this mean the doors that I’ve been barricading all these years have finally been reduced to nothing, and it is time to start anew?

Whoa. That kinda makes me want to cry. And I’ll tell you why… Yesterday, I went to McDonald’s to get a salad for lunch, after church. As I was sitting there, my phone suddenly became possessed and started playing music. At first I thought, “Oh is this an alarm? Is there something I am supposed to remember right now? Wait, I don’t remember setting an alarm.” And then I looked at my phone and it was on the music screen, so I pushed paused and set it down. Then it started doing it again. I had to turn it off several times, and eventually, I just turned the volume down all the way. But I went back to check the song it was playing, because I thought maybe it was God or a spirit trying to communicate something to me. The song was called, “It’s Time.” And I thought “hmmm time for what, I wonder?” And I prayed for God to show me more. And I said to my dad and my sister (after telling them what had happened), that in AA we have a saying, “More will be revealed.” It is based on something on page 164 in the Big Book (the main text of Alcoholics Anonymous), “We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us.” There is a solid belief in the recovery community that God reveals to us what we are able to handle, when we are able to handle it. So I was certain that He would do just that.

And this seems to be exactly what He is doing. First, with the song. Then, with the dream. Then, this morning a friend messaged me a shared a devotional reading she read today which said,

“Change is inevitable. We feel pain when we become resistant to the changes that are happening in our lives. We don’t ever have to face anything alone, God is always right there. He gives us strength, courage, and inspiration as long as we are seeking it. Be willing, today, to be as open minded and ask for the help you need to endure the changes that are happening. Try your hardest to see the positives in all situations. Do not let negativity take over. Choose joy and peace! Have a blessed day.”

This is getting hilarious, though, because the story doesn’t stop there. Nope. It is still going as we speak. Because when I got to the end of the paragraph about my front door in the dream, I got ANOTHER message from ANOTHER friend with ANOTHER devotional that she read this morning. She said, “I thought of you when I read this devotional this morning.” This is what her devotional said,

“Set Free Through Truth

     You live in a fallen world filled with deception and lies that challenge your faith and fill you with fear. But I have given you My Word–truth that can keep you on the path of righteousness. When you are confused, come to Me, listen for My still small voice, and listen to the truth that I will speak to you.

Life can take you in many different directions, but My truth leads you down paths that bring blessings in your life. It doesn’t mean that you will not encounter trial and troubles, but you will have the solid foundation of truth that will make your faith stand firm in the face of fear. My Word will keep you from losing hope when all hope seems lost. When you start to doubt that I love you and care about you, My Word will assure you of the truth that I AM with you always and I will never leave you.

It’s truth that will give you the strength you need to take another step of faith, to trust Me to help you no matter what you’re going through. When you’re trapped in disbelief and struggling in our faith, My Truth will set you free from the chains of fear and doubt. So don’t live captured by the lies of the world. Break free through truth and live the life of joy and peace I intend for you to live.

‘You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’

John 8:32″

Two different messages are themed in these devotionals. The first is that change is inevitable, and hard, but with God’s help we can get through. Obviously, resisting said change is what leads to struggles and pain. Turning to God and asking for assistance will help us get through it. The second emphasizes the truth. It basically says that freedom is found in truth and truth is found in God. Both of these messages emphasize the importance in turning to God, for truth and for change. They also emphasize that God is always there through these things.

I think it is obvious I’m coming into some sort of change, which is something I’ve been feeling for a while. I’ve gone through periods of being very pensive, and introspective, but I have also felt the entire time that I’ve been on the verge of something big. I am not sure what that may be, but I certainly think it could be tied to my writing. Clearly, this entire experience has gotten me writing again. I’ve also been coming upon opportunities in that field. I have been struggling with depression in recent weeks and it has been hard. At one point, I was extremely terrified I was going to take my own life. That level of severity has not been reached since 2011, when I had my last attempt, which is also when my sobriety began.

I don’t know exactly what is going on, but obviously more and more is being revealed daily. I’m excited and this pretty much obliterates my depression, because how can depression survive in circumstances so hopeful?

So that was my crazy cool spiritual experience that unfolded today. I was going to write some other stuff, but this is already entirely too long, so I’m going to leave you with this: Kesha’s new song “Rainbow.” I wanted to add it because I just heard it for the first time, and it seemed relevant because it has a line that says,

“You gotta learn to let go, put the past behind you

Trust me, I know, the ghosts will try to find you

But just put those colors on, girl

Come and paint the world with me tonight”

“Rainbow” Kesha