This morning, just as I was considering writing this blog post, someone asked me to explain my absence on my blog over the past two years. Now that I am back, I figured I should fill in the gap.
In 2015, I was raped. I met a guy online, and we talked for months, while I was away for work. He told me he was dying from cancer, and in our interactions, I learned a lot about living life as though it could be over at any time. When I returned to the area, he had apparently taken a turn for the worst, and so I wanted to see him, in case the end might be near. I don’t typically meet people online in a private place for the first time, but I made an exception for him. When we met, he raped me.
I’ll leave that part of the story at that, because it is unnecessary to explain anything beyond that. What I said is all that matters.
The last post I wrote was a post about him. I wrote it before he raped me. It was positive and about everything I’d learned from our time interacting, up to that point. That was the last thing I wrote for two years.
I immediately went to residential treatment. I had trauma in my past that went unaddressed for many years. Meanwhile it festered in my soul and I became very sick in all of my self-destructive tendencies, and suicidal, and just generally unpleasant. I had worked hard to overcome all of that in 2011-2012, and was continuing that work when this happened. At first, I was in shock. For about a week, I kept telling myself “I’ve done this before, I can do it again.” At first, I was okay. But after everything that had happened finally set in, I started to crumble, and things got bad very quickly. I decided this time, I was going to handle EVERYTHING differently, and address it IMMEDIATELY. I immediately went into residential treatment, and started the healing process. I was there for two months. When I came home, I continued with my therapist and a trauma therapist.
I was seeing a dietitian for my eating disorder. In the past, I had immediately gained substantial amounts of weight after something like this, so I asked her to keep an eye on my weight for me. When it started to creep up, I put my foot down. I started working very hard to eat better and I got a Fitbit. I started losing weight. I walked for a year before I began running, and now have been running almost a year. I was determined not to let him take my health and my recovery from me, but while I was busy focusing on that, I didn’t even notice that he had taken my writing.
Side Note: I wanted to include this tidbit in the story, because it will most certainly come up later, and is relevant. I know I’ve mentioned it in past posts, but it needs to be said here. I come from a long line of what I call “sensitives” or “intuitives,” on both sides of my family. This includes a wealth of unusual abilities. One of these abilities is sometimes knowing about things that will happen in the future. I often find out this information in dreams. I was warned in a dream about the man who raped me. In the dream, he said to me, “I AM ABUSIVE, YOU NEED TO RUN.” He said this repeatedly. Both in the dream, and in my waking life, I ignored the information, and talked myself out of it being one of “those” dreams. Which, I obviously later regretted. So while I was working on my physical health, I also worked diligently on my spiritual health, so that I could develop an ability to listen to that voice, honor what it tells me, and act accordingly. I have had great success with this. I have experienced new, exciting things because of this adventure. My mind has been expanded in pretty wild ways. I am sure it will come up in my writing.
Once I realized that so much time had gone by unwritten, I was devastated. My very purpose for being on this planet is my writing. My story has just been too wild not to share. And I also know that it can and has helped many.
I prayed for a year, at least, for God to restore my writing. I repeatedly included the words “BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY,” which I know are dangerous words to The Almighty. It occurred to me that it might take another trauma to elicit my writing, but I was desperate. It took a pretty minor break up, instead, so I was cool with that. 😀
So, now here I am. I am back. I found my words. And my words are where my power lies, so the world best watch out. I am capable of anything now.
Throat Chakra
For years
My trauma
Was held tightly
In my hips
No matter
My position
They stood
Or laid
Or sat
tense
Prepared
Always for a fight
They were soldiers
Frozen at attention
Paralyzed in fright
And I lived there
For many years
I lived there
When I finally became
Able to let them
Move
The trauma swelled
Inside of me
Like a volcano
Anticipating
the purge
After centuries
Of seething
Beneath the surface
Of the earth
The ground began
To quake
And crack
And I lived there
For a year or two
I lived there
From there it moved
Into my heart
Until
like the green lotus
it began to bloom
And After many years
Of extending it
To others
I was finally able
to meet myself with love
And I live there
For a few years now
I’ve lived there
As the colors climbed
And pain
Boiled up inside
My entire existence
Now
Both the rainbow
And the pot of gold
And I live here.
And now this is my home.
And to those who
Have caused my scars
For I take no credit for my pain
What I will attest to
Is my ability
To breed beauty
From disdain
The light has finally
Reached my throat
It breathes brilliantly
In blue
And I will share my stories
Now
And I will tell of you
It is your turn
To live in fear
Of all the truths
That I could tell
And this time I
Will not hold back
I’ll write of
glimpses
Into my hell
For I am free now
You’ll no longer
Reoffend
And where I once
So easily broke
Is now unable
To ever bend
This is where I free you from all that I am,
And imprison you, instead,
within the walls my words.
And you will live there
From now on, you will live there.
