Sacrifice

Farewell California, Hello Home

I’ve always wanted to live in California, and swore I’d never live in the midwest.   As I get older, however, I find my priorities are changing.  Over the past year, I have had the pleasure of being in a year-long season of summer, here in San Diego, California.  I couldn’t be more grateful for my time here.  I do believe I have been pretty spoiled.  The twelve step community here is vast and supportive, probably the best in the country.  The weather is almost always sunny and mild.  There are constantly resources galore at my fingertips.

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Coronado in all its SoCal Goodness

And now… I’m saying goodbye to it all.

For the midwest.

I came to California straight from residential treatment in Chicago.  I had 5 and a half months of treatment, and California was the place and I made a home.  I got connected right away with meetings, and built a safety net of support around me.  I have an amazing dietitian and an incredible sponsor.

As I have processed this move, I am starting to really take in all I will be saying goodbye to, and it has me asking, “is this the right choice?”

The YMCA here is incredible.  With one membership, I have access to 4 different Y’s.  They have classes like NIA and Meditative Yoga.

I can order Thai delivery.

Seriously, it is almost always sunny.  And I have a tendency toward seasonal depression.

Who would leave this?

When it comes down to it, California just isn’t a reasonable place to live, especially for those of us who are not gainfully employed.  Becoming a resident of California isn’t cheap, gas isn’t cheap, taxes aren’t cheap.

But that isn’t really why I’m leaving.

See, two years ago today, my sister gave birth to the most adorable little guy ever.  (Not that I’m biased)  She and I had been marching forward arm-in-arm in the firm resolve that neither one of us would have children, and then, as if in a single day, she changed her mind.  It wasn’t just a day actually, she gave more thought to it than I have ever seen a person reasonably consider such an option.  She did not make the choice lightly, and I respect her for that.

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meeting Sven for the first time

When he came along, my life changed.  As I faced this baby, I faced the realization that this may be the closest I ever come to having a child.  And I wanted to be a influential part of this child’s life.

As my moods and my troubles ebbed and flowed, I was almost always tangled in my own darkness.  The October before I went into treatment, I missed a chance to visit my nephew due to being hospitalized.  I insisted that I come see him before going to treatment and my sister told me that she’d rather I not be around him at the time.  As much as it broke my heart, it was my sister’s wishes, and I respect her more than anyone.

When I was in treatment and I needed motivation, my sister and my nephew were the ones I was working to get better for.

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my sister and my nephew

Now that I am doing well, I have the opportunity to move close to my nephew and be a full time aunt.  For him, and for the new baby, who is due in August.  🙂  I get to help raise mini-feminists! Haha…  Hey, they might not have listened if it came from a parent, but from a crazy cool aunt, maybe they’ll take in what I have to offer.  You never know.  I may never have kids of my own, but I will have a hand in raising some little beings into some incredible people.  That is invaluable.

So, I’m leaving all of the conveniences that are California, for small town life.  Part of it is a sacrifice, but mostly it is a privilege.  I’d rather be the full time aunt, than the twice-a-year aunt.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the twice-a-year aunt.  But if this is the closest I’ll come to children of my own, it is best I be vigilant.

To be honest, SoCal wasn’t a great fit for me anyway.  I’ve always been a country girl, so with the almost 4 million people in this county it is a bit crowded.  Everyone here is skinny, and hell-bent on staying that way.  Not a good place for eating disorder recovery.  And really, the weather is too warm for my taste.  I miss seasons.  And after all, who needs a YMCA membership, when you’re chasing around two little kids?  Or doing baby lifts?

I’m closing a chapter of my life and starting an incredible new one.  I’m moving somewhere I plan on staying for a while.  I’ve got a good 13 or so years before I’ll start considering a new home.  (Teenagers are a whole different ballgame!)

I may not be employed yet, but I already have a full time job: Loving Aunt.  And I plan on doing my job most diligently, and with the greatest of care.

aunt

I Stand Amazed

Driving home from a meeting tonight, I listened to my favorite group.  They’re called All Sons & Daughters.  This song came on: (close your eyes and listen)  

This song brings me to tears.

Part of it is the way the describe the heart ache of watching Jesus on the cross, and the way the promise of His return is the only thing that kept them holding on.  I totally understand this.  It automatically sends me to a place where I think about that sacrifice that He made for me.  For me!  How totally absurd is that?  I’m not even a smudge on the pages of history.  I’m just one of billions of people walking this planet.  But wow, He had me in mind while making that sacrifice.  He wanted to set ME free.  Of course, He wanted to set all of us free, but  we weren’t just faces in a crowd to Him.  We weren’t just another number among the billions.  He had each of us in mind on that day.  And there was this pain.  Can you imagine what it was like to watch Him die?  How it would make your heart ache to see someone you love go through that?  But they held on, believing He would return.  And here I am today, holding on with the same promise in mind.  I never used to understand why people would look forward to the return of Christ, but I get it now.  I would be so happy to get to be near Him.

By the time the song is over, I’m so aware of that sacrifice and what it meant for me.  I am so humbled by Him making the choice to make such a sacrifice to set me free.  I know that everything I have, I have because of God.  All of it.  All I want is to be the best person I can be, for God.  I can never be worthy of what He did for me, but I want to be as close as I can possibly be.  I want nothing more than to be a good person for the sake of trying with everything I have in me to repay this debt.  I know I cannot repay, and He wouldn’t even want me to.  He didn’t do it with our compensation in mind.  He did it knowing that our freedom was the reward.  Can you imagine how joyous it is to see someone you love set free from the bondage of this dark world?

I give you all the glory, God.  I can never repay You, but I pray you see my heart and know how grateful I am to my very core.  I’m nothing without You.  Everything I have, I have because of You.  Everything I have accomplished, is because of You alone. I want nothing more than to know You more and live a life that gives You glory.  I want nothing more than to serve You.  I am forever indebted to You, and forever grateful for You.  I love You with everything I have, every fiber of my being.  I am Yours.

I have this ache within me, knowing that I can never repay God for all that God has done for me.  What a humbling feeling.