So, when step 9 came around, my sponsor suggested that I write an amends letter to men, which upon my dismay she edited it to be an amends letter to the good men out there. Conveniently enough, I never got around to it. I never made that amends. Well, as those in recovery and anyone who believes in a loving higher power can attest to, sometimes God makes you do the steps that you didn’t want to do. With the #YesAllWomen and #NotAllMen trend going around, I thought this would be a perfect time to write my amends letter to the good guys out there, so I can finally release my bitterness. So, here goes.
Dear Good Guys,
Hey, I guess I haven’t talked to most of you before, but I’m Noelle. I’m working the twelve steps and a part of those steps is making amends to all people we have harmed (except when to do so would injure them or others). I’m 30 years old at this point, so I guess I should make a point of apologizing to you. I apologize for generalizing you, for lumping you in with all the men that have hurt me. I was wondering the whole time where the f&%$ you were, but according to my sponsor, I can’t hold you accountable for something you did not know was happening to me, so I apologize for blaming you. I’m apologize for grimacing at you every time I walked by you. That probably wasn’t very nice of me. I apologize for assuming all men are sociopaths, when the percentage is actually significantly smaller and you were out there being a decent human being with genuine feelings and a heart for your fellow humans. To those of you I’ve gotten to know on an intimate level, I’m sorry for treating you like dirt, just because that is what had been done to me. I realize now that you, too, are human beings and I was being just as low as the men I’ve held so much resentment towards all this time. I’m especially sorry to the ones who fell into love/like with me and I ignored because I was annoyed by your “neediness.” I could’ve found a more compassionate way to handle that. Overall, I just want to say I’m sorry for being exactly like the a holes that have inspired me to build this gigantic wall around my icy, lifeless heart. From now on, I will do things differently.
God has recently made it very clear to me that I’ve been holding on to this bitterness for dear life, and it is time to let it go. I honestly do not know how to function without it. All I have left protecting me now is Jesus Christ, and I know that will be more than sufficient, but I feel naked nonetheless. So, this is me, making amends to the good guys, and giving my dear, lovely, comforting hatred of the male species over to God. He’ll know what to do with it. Because honestly, it never has actually served me well.
One of my readings last week asked me about my roadblocks to God. I had said that I don’t let others’ hatred affect my relationship with God, but maybe I do. I get very frustrated with Jesus’ followers, and that can frustrate my own relationship with God.
The fact is, my relationship with God has nothing to do with anyone else. It is between me and God. I cherish the fact that only God can know the true level of my faithfulness. It is like we have our very own language.
Through my readings last week, both in the devotional I’m reading for class and in the book of Mark. I found two things that I want to pray for every day. In certain twelve step programs, they say, every morning you should wake up and pray for another day free from your addiction, and every night, you should thank God for another day free from your addiction. I’ve never really felt a connection to those prayers, as I feel completely set free from most of my addictive behaviors.
The reading that I had for class has a chapter/day on accepting Christ as your savior. But it also has a prayer option for people who have already done that. It basically says that you should thank Jesus for saving your life. And I thought, what a great daily prayer! So, my goal is to go to God in Prayer, and thank Jesus daily for saving my life.
In Mark 4:13-20, Jesus says: “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? The farmer sows the word. Some people are like the seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop–some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”
When I read that, I thought, I want to be like the seed sown on good soil! Then, I decided that this will be part of my daily prayer.
Thank you, Jesus for saving my life. Lord, please make me like seed sown on good soil, so that I may hear the word, accept it, and produce a great many crops from it. In Your name I pray, Amen.